Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
