Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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