my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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