I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
