Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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