you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
