I seem to have left my pride at pride
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
