she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
