Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
