Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
