How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
