The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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