Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
