i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
