Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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