Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
