i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
