i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
