just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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