I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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