life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
