I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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