I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
