He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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