Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
