I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
