no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
