Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
