Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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