His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
