Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
