the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
