When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And then he peed in my hair
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