So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
