We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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