Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize