Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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