I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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