why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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