I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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