i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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