you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
