Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and she was petting her beer can
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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