I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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