And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
