Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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