dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
