Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize