Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
