Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
