I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
