when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
