how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
