I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
FUCK WHALES
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
