Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
