this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
