She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We're too hungover to prance.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
