i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
