well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
