a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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