I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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