I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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