it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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