I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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