omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
